Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
