The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
He had one of those small greek statue penises
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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