Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
