Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
