I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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