Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
