Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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