I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
