I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
