So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
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