this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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