these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
In other news, I just burned my penis
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
