im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
