She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
