Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.