..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.