the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.