John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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