So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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