how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
