Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
