i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
