the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
When are your genitals available?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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