on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
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I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
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Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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