I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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