I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
