Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
