Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
