Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
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Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
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apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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