your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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