if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
