Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
