somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
