sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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