so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
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