I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
