I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
