Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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