Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
