Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
