He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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