He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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