Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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