About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.