Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD