He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I thought spray tan was a myth
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
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The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
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whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Also, beer. Big fan.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.