Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
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I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
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He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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