I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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