So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
