Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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