ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
