guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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