Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
