Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
