you would pick up someone in the library
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
