If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
